Erica's Bull!

Wed, 23 Aug 2006 19:45:36 GMT

does anyone use these things anymore?
well i just checked mine for the first time in 38 weeks. lol. i leave for school in 9 days!!!!! 9 days!!!!!!!!! a week from sat

yay

Fri, 25 Nov 2005 19:15:08 GMT

Hey! im back i havnt been here in a while.

Wed, 26 Jan 2005 01:39:43 GMT

i now own my own car!
i own a gorgeous 1991 white Acura Legend se
i am so excited! i get it on friday! holy shit i have a car...got to go process this!

if anyone ever feels sad dont worry one day ull get a car and be happy haha
oh and superbowl my ass thats my b day and bob marleys so celebrate!
lol
wow im so jitttery

Sat, 22 Jan 2005 18:06:13 GMT

i guess that its eaither escape or continue how i am living
which is just standing there loving evryone, and seeing nothing in return

i wish i was a bitch, life would be so much easier and i could shed this occupation of novato highschool welcome mat, i cant get walked all over anymore. but the only way to stop it would be to throw the mat out.

Tue, 04 Jan 2005 03:02:20 GMT

ecerything is not worth it
who cares about what u got for christmas
who cares about what ur going to wear tomarrow
who cares about clothes and vacations and grades and college
who cares about fighting when someone can die just like that.
forget about the petty bullshit we base life on and live for something, anything, but live untill ur gone and u can say that u have lived,

im sorry u didnt get to live for the long run frankie, but when u were here u smiled, u laughed, u joked and you lived.
RIP

makes me want to love evryone, makes me want to just be nice and cherish evryone and every moment, so i dont get how there are still people being complete assholes...i dont get it

Mon, 03 Jan 2005 05:06:30 GMT

i remember new years eve my freshemen year
i had just got back from mexico and i was upset becasue i wanted to see gary (my boyfriend) but it didnt seem like it was going to happen at the time. a really good friend of mine i guess heard that i would be spending new years home alone so he stopped by to say happy new years. he gave me a hug and sat on the couch with me and we talked about almost evrything.

i also remember when there was bad news concerning my so called relationship. i was cheated on and this same friend called me at 3 am to tell me and sit on the fone with me while i cried. he then helped me break up with him and made me laugh back to sleep

this same guy has always been behind me and has made me smile through the halls. although our friendship faded i still loved this guy.....id see him in the halls and hed yell out "movie star!".

this same guy was killed this weekend. and will be missed by even those who only got a glance into his world
rest in peace

and i hope and pray that savon is okay....

really makes all the petty bullshit seem horrible...i dont care about my dramas i dont care about the wait of getting a car or weather or not i had fun on new years...how could anyone care about those things when someone like frankie mead will never have the chance to care about those kind of things again.

thats all

Tue, 21 Dec 2004 19:42:43 GMT

is it odd that christmas is my favorite holiday? when i am but a jew in marin? haha
i must say that through my thick wall odf negetivity, holiday cheer has found its way through and i think nroke down the wall in itself. so merry christmas to evryone! even those who actually celebrate it.

Love is a very tricky topic, wnating to be in love is just a longing and depressing stage, but not having anyone to love especially during this time of year...well thats just heartbreaking. i feel like i should search but then i know that it will happen naturally. but natrually will most likely come when im 30 which means ill marry when i am close to 35 so i wont be having sex untill im 35!

for the first time in a very very long long time i have come to my best friends for help. for the first time in a very very long time, i can truely identify who my best friends are and why i love them so much. i listenend to brighteyes today...and through there meloncholy complaining lies actual wisdom and some form of inspiration. so i am inspired to fall in love, with the first person that will let me, and that i like. being scared is such a wais o time dont u think? this strong random encouragment is half becasue of dylan! u go hoe i know u can!

shes off to a place where you cant speak yuor mind
where u live in fear and leave family behind
she has set times to eat and to sleep and to laugh
a smile is un heard of as well as a bath
she asks me to visit, sais she will be scared
said she is not ready and so un prepared
well im contemplating telling her, shes getting what she deserves
10 years of never being there, her plea must have some nerve.
but i know if i fucked evryone over, and ruined evryones life
if i abandoned my children and left my husband with no wife
if i turned who i was into someone im not
and forgot how to change back, and then just got caught
if i was then thrown away to be alone and so scared
and i wouldnt have my bottle and i was so unprepared
then id want a visitor and i would want a friend
id want a forgiveness and maybe to mend
but im conflicted on if she deserves it
im confused on how to just admit it
and if i do just let her win, id feel like a liar, with a secret, and a sin
marry christmas to someone in a cold cold room

Wed, 15 Dec 2004 04:06:25 GMT

i repel
i drive away
but first i lure with some false quality that fools people
i become so entrapped in the relationship or friendship at hand that i grow to ineve and oblivious to the fact that i am merely forcing someone to love me.
this is just what i do and this is the answer to my question of why this happens
its my fault. i trust to easily i fall to quickly and i beleive through anything that i deserve the friendship i have been handed. but friendships rnt easy and we should work on them, but u can only work on something u cherish or find worth it....tells me something
im a door mat,
im a 99cent doormat from the gas station, the temporary ones that u can throw away after a party, when the guests the food and the fun is gone, im the welcome mat that has been walked all over a few too many times, but knowing th rediculous cry baby i have inside...nothing will change
i hate this!

Mon, 06 Dec 2004 04:13:07 GMT

my promise list to myself

1. i promise not to do to others what i dont want or like being done to me
2. i promise not to drop friends like they are nothing
3. i promise not to judge anyone
4. i promise to do nothing but act and make it to la!
5. i pormise that if i fall in love i wont be scared ( but im sure i wont fall in love anytime soon)
6. i promise not to do anything drastic in the heat of a flustered tantrom.
7. i promise to stick p for myself from now on
8. i promise to have no limits to what i will do for the people i love...(mandana)
9.i promise to not freak out on myself if in fact i dont keep any of these promises
10. i promise to have faith that love and miravles r real
11. i promise to have more fun....
12. i promise to look on the brightside in every situation.

holidays r comming...could may as well be the lonliest time of my year. i can write off my moms intoxication, my dads vacation to tahiti to get away, my brothers absence, and my lonely pathetic self alone in my room drowning myself in self pitty and aasking constantly why i feel so lonely, then comming to the conclusion that the negative overbearing pit in my stomach is purely my fault, and my imagination, and by the time i am ready to look on the bright side i amd asleep , and comming closer to another day of the same rutine. ( on the bright side: there is a bright side somewhere)

thanks a lot to someone who wasnt there. who needed me but when i needed this person in return this person dropped me becasue this person had his/her friends back and didnt need me anymore. i was clearly a back up for when this person was feeling insecure so i hope this person is happy (on the bright side: i beleive in karma)

i know i girl who has found someone who makes her happy, she is falling in love and i can see it sometimes more then even she can. she is happy and has an outlet and although i am very jelous (in the good way) i am so happy for her. (on the bright side of my jelousy: i cant die alone i am to determined for love)

my dad has forgotten that i have feelings. his goal for me used to be top hurt my feelings, then it was to avoid them, now he has forgotten that i have any so now instead of being his target, i am to him the equivilant of his shadow in the dark...non existant. (on the bright side: im not oblivious to this...which makes me 10 percent less pathetic.)

everything works out in the end
and if its not worked out, its not the end

id like to beleive this is true, but in a way that means nothing has ended. and does this "end" mean the day we die? becasue if so then why do we fight for making everything right if in fact the day it is the way we would like it to be is the day we leave the erath and can not experince the bliss and triumph of our struggle. is ending then not mean death but the point at which the situation id perfect? becasue then what exactly comes after this "end", becasue all things perfect can not stay forever. so why rely on this? soon it will be another cliche along side the very familiar "life is what u make it, what goes around comes around, and of coarse the ever so popular , everything happens for a reason". funny thing is...these cliches r what i live by and they are the few lies i belive in order to have faith that i will climb out of this black hole. ironice, in a non ironic and very obvious way. TaTa

Fri, 03 Dec 2004 03:36:43 GMT

i hate her
i hate her
i hate her
i hate her
if i could i would pull her insides out just so everyone could see who she actually is. so that for that 5 minutes the world and all of her so called friends could see and finnally know her from the inside, shed then be left alone i know she would. i wish i could in some way call her on her insecureties and find some pathetic being to accept her for the flaws. i wish that with every time she cried and every tear she let pathetically fall she would slowly wither away untill one day she was a faint memory and soon enough nothing but " oh yeah whatever happened to her". i wish i could give her some small pleasure to keep her mind occupied while i ruined what little life she had left and finally drove her to the edge we have all been waiting for her to cross. i wish i take her stupid hands without touching them and throw her somewhere dark and hidden, id leave her with only one memory, one that she would lose herself in, for if she was lost we all wouldnt find her and she would soon be forgotten. i just wish she was gone, for the sake of me and evryone else. i wish i could avoid her but there are mirrors and reflections everywhere.

Thu, 02 Dec 2004 04:28:18 GMT

I hate when things fade
when things end without reason and with no one to blame
when u wake up and continue a rutine not knowing that it is in the hands of someone else
the hard thing being that this rutine was what u relied on for happiness
you go from important to non existant. wow. i never thought this person could make me hurt...

Thu, 18 Nov 2004 06:04:27 GMT

Thanks katie its a kewl idea......
someone fill it out n make my night haha.

01. Who are you?
02. Are we friends?
03. When and how did we meet?
04. How have I affected you?
05. What do you think of me?
06. What's the fondest memory you have of me?
07. How long do you think we will be friends?
08. Do you love me?
09. Do you have a crush on me?
10. Would you kiss me?
11. Would you hug me?
12. Physically, what stands out?
13. Emotionally, what stands out?
14. Do you wish I was cooler?
15. On a scale of 1-10, how hot am I?
16. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
17. Am I loveable?
18. How long have you known me?
19. Describe me in one word.
20. What was your first impression?
21. Do you still think that way about me now?
22. What do you think my weakness is?
23. Do you think I'll get married?
24. If so, who?
25. What makes me happy?
26. What makes me sad?
27. What reminds you of me?
28. If you could give me anything what would it be?
29. How well do you know me?
30. When's the last time you saw me?
31. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
32. Do you think I could kill someone?
33. Are you going to put this on your livejournal and see what I say about you?

Thu, 18 Nov 2004 05:46:51 GMT

i dont know if can do this by myself.
i wish i could be the girl who has pushed herself through all of the bullshit and who has made it. but i am slowly coming to the realization that i may not make it. i might not be good enough, its all iv ever known of myself and now im scared its not enough.
get me on stage, give me a role, tell me when to begin, then i will be genuinly at ease and happy...otherwise leave me alone.

Wed, 17 Nov 2004 05:49:16 GMT

iv seen so much, or so i think. i always feel so guilty after i cry, its almost become rutine. i cry and freak out and when i find that place of calmness i qam filled with this heavy grey guilt that kreeps through me and then settles untill i can find another reason to cry. healthy? not sure if thats the word.

i still feel like crap from things that occured up to a year ago. things that most girls brush off in a day.

friends...check
happiness....almost
love life....whats that?
family...give up
acting....working SO hard
school...suprisingly OK

"letting go is the best way to keep holding on"

Mon, 15 Nov 2004 03:18:19 GMT

this weekend break thingy was pretty fun. thursday i just hung at my house n watched briget jones diary the first one...its SO GOOD!
FRIDAY i went with my friend celestine to see a brodway in the city (little shop of horrors)..it was extremely entertaining. but it made me mad becasue i just cant watch people perform without dying to be up there...they were doing my drug n i didnt like it haha.
saturday i hung with atlee and mandy, we went to the game n i left for a babysitting thingy. after that i met up with atlee mandy branden zake dani and hung out then cam came! and i drove branden home. it was really fun. today i went to the beach with my uncle and it was so peacful. i just slept in the sand for like 3 hours.

i am slowly falling into a whole, one with a small light, and beleive it or not, happiness.

o yeah and conor came over for like 2 seconds then he left haha (i hate u!)
cant wait for reach on wednesday!

when can dylan just come back? haha

night yall

Thu, 11 Nov 2004 22:23:17 GMT

oh Powder puff!
i am such an idiot. so i was so pumped for the game , we all were, we were scremeing and yelling. so natasha was our running back and she was wearing shoes that made ur fall and i had cleats on so i gave them to her and wore her shoes....they were huge! i was always in during offense so i needed shoes but i couldnt get any...i played my hardest with the huge shoes but i knew i could do better without them. so blair (my saviour) gave me her shoes...the second i am about to go in the game with the new shoes on my anxoius lil feet i see that the reff is making a rediculous call...i then decided to be an idiot and yell something including the f word. well i emediatly got kicked off the feild and i swear i cried instantly im so stupid. i wanted to play so bad.

so then most of went to chevys and then some of us saw ...SAW. craziest most distrubing movie ever...we were all freking out and then me atlee kaylie and mandy drove in the dark, atlee was silent and in complete freak out mode, kaylie was shaking and saying "omg omg why why" i was jumping at every sound (even my own breath) and poor mandy broke into tears.

i am really happy evryone seems to be getting along, other than that one female i breifly mentioned last time, i can honestly say i love evryone!!!!!!!!!exept assholes, but in evryone i mean the whole powder puff team...all the junior girls...and i duno...lateley evrone....wow i hope this drama free era lasts more then 2 seconds.

my fav person i grounded , my girl lover is in sb, my bf is dying at home with no more wisdom teeth, and i am getting a cold...what is up with the world lately?

Tue, 09 Nov 2004 07:48:53 GMT

im loving life today....
so powder puff is so much fun and i know im not the greatest athlete but i on some way feel i bring something to the team. and i have a really good bonde with mandy that just keeps me happy and stronger knowing i haver her is a safety net...i love it. im also dropping things that make me depressed and sticking up for myself which iv never done

other things that make me happy today
1. realizing that my girl crush payed off and im becomming such good friends with one of my most fav people

2. suz asking me to lunch

3. Andy saying yes to my request of hanging out

4. deciding im going to lose weight the healthy way

5. getting the new gossip girls! (i really hope blair and nate just fuck already)

6. yelling at someone who i can honestly say i have no respect for (it ryhmes with bassie gogan)

7. doing all my homework and finidng time to post

8. comming to terms with that fact that im not the ugliest person in the world (and if i am i still have friends who can look at me...haha)

9. crying for joy not pain

10. replacing the hurt instead of covering it up

11. listening to modeste mouse while i cleaned my backpack....

well im off to do this rediculous assignmetn for a teacher who really shouldnt be teaching english in the first place...tata ya'll

How happy is the blameless vestal's lot The world forgetting, by the world forgot. Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind

Thu, 04 Nov 2004 04:39:59 GMT

i stuck up for myself

i acted in the most impulsive manner

i opened up the junk droor and finally let it all out

i laughed

i cried

i think im in love

with the idea of being in love

i wanna hang out with conor

fear stands for fals evidence apearing real
i am afraid of people not liking me ..... so i see them as not liking me...im over it...

powder puff should be fun, so will this weekend hopefully

im strangly happy....but the kind where u have to move slowly and be careful becasue n e second it could change from smiling to sobbing....shhh dont wake the beast

Thu, 28 Oct 2004 02:19:07 GMT

wow
i dont have anyone
i am invisible in the most awkward way. people say hi, they smile, they occasionally have small conversations with me and some even do the whole "i care about u lets talk". but i do not have friends who are MY friends, i dont have friends who invite me with them or anything. i am so completely lonely right now i wish i could leave i just want to leave. i just want to go away and not come back. but i know that the reason i am so lonely is my fault its who i am that drives people to see me only as an aquantance ( i always say too much, i always kill the joke, i always cry about evrything)....so wherever i go ill have this problem, unless i crawl into a shell or a corner. i really cant even look at myself right now.

Wed, 27 Oct 2004 04:47:50 GMT

so living for the day.....

ok i can do that....today was horrible
it was empty and fake, disapointing and raw.
i really can not find soemthing to smile about,
im not doing a show and i really cant stand people telling me im dramatic and i need to stay positive..i try, but its ok something at school will make me laugh tomarrow and ill forget for a few hours that i live a completely empty and betrayed life
ecxercise releases endorphans and thos things make u happy....went on a fatty run, wow do i feel better (complete srcasm)

thinking happy thoughts is something only talented people can do. i honestly feel that i am incapable of finding those places in my mind without a map. and i am pretty sure this map that could potentially lead me to "happiness" is no existant. my dad doesnt mind thaT I have in the past used a form of self mutilation. why i just spat that out i have no idea. but im becomming someone who i would as myself dislike. does that even make any sense? im off to a night of restless sleep, maybe ill just do that all day tomarrow, mentel health day why not?

Mon, 25 Oct 2004 02:54:32 GMT

my weekend was fun! had a movie night with conor...i hate him....jk

uuuuug...i just want someone to fall in love with me
or i want someone to really need me
or i want someone to get inside

is that too much to ask! ;) guess so

goodnight to all and stay positive, i miss the rain

Wed, 20 Oct 2004 03:03:25 GMT

how do u decide u like urself?
is it as easy as deciding if u like someone else? can u get a bad first impression, or maybe just have nothing in common with urself.

tomarrow we have a grief thing in reach and im contemplating not going. we have to bring something that represents a loss i have gone through. the thought of talking about it in front of people who half of which dont like me, FREAKS ME OUT.
Dylan u inspire me so to get me in a brighter mood

things i am looking forward to....

1)the msa show, i need to get on stage

2)my dad leaves for a week

3)my lil sisters b day (the only day she is nice for more then 5 minutes)

4)seeing garden state...why havnt i seen this movie yet?

5) my birthday (feb 6th)

6) finding a way to la by or before graduation

7)getting discovered (hopefully)

8) falling in love

9) looking back on these livejournals and laughing at how mopey i was, rather then swimming in the feeling.

10) writing my own screenplay with a highly acclaimed actor

11) becomming a highly acclaimed actor ( please)

12) getting a puppy in novemeber and naming it bubba after my favorite dead fish from 2nd grade...keepin him alive

well thats all...goodnight evryone...oh and if anyone has anything to contribute to my list...feel free

Mon, 18 Oct 2004 01:19:21 GMT

well ladies and gentlmen, i am the great pretender
with the help of someone pretty close to me i have realized that i am not who people think i am. oh but arnt we all like that you say? and yes the majority of us are like that, we make these masks that desguiese us and what we really feel. and usually there are few people who see you with that mask gone. and i am not saying this is wrong, it is in our culture and human nature to hid certain things and feelings. but since when is it not ok to wear you heart on your sleeve and show exactly who you are. well i think i know , for me at least. for those people who i have so hesitently taken my mask off for, i go to far, i let them in and then something happens, something i am blinde to, and something that we call rejection.
I wear a mask to covor what i dont like, but after a while people who claim they like me find my mask is maybe just as "unattractive" as the actual me. so in a nut shell, this is not a negative post or an attempt for posts stating that u love me and will always be there for me. this is basically saying that people as always will try and get close to people, but dont tempt me and persuade me to take my mask off, becasue as much as u hate the ,mask, over time ull hate the real thing too

Fri, 15 Oct 2004 02:09:20 GMT

What exactly do you say after reveing an insult? are you thankful for the honesty, or do you get offended at the ambarrassment they have caused you. do u get jelous of the girls who probebely dont get those insults...or do u "ignore" it. ug i hate people.

on another note......dont you hate when your friends or whatever they wanna call themse3lves get mad at you for no appearent reason when you are always nice and always there for them. maybe its that one is such a loyal and cosistant freind that the other finds it easy to abuse it...all i know is do i have to be a bitch? should i juist abadoned the old fashioned( be a good freind, always be there for ur friends) and what makes me mad? is at what point in time did the definition for what a good freind is change. from what i remember friends are supposed to be completely loyal, not just come off that way. uuuuuuug 2 more years. but to think of this on a positive note, i have become a fond beleiver in kharma (or however u spell that). what goes around comes around so all i have to worry about it making sure im a good friend and if my "friends" cant recipracate then it will bite them in the ass or something. and ps.....hugs make the world go round so hug evryone!!!

today was the homecomming rally.
and out of loyalty to a friend i did her skit.
and i had to wear a skirt.
and i jumped around,
and basically flashed a peace of my ass to the world many a time..
well i guess whats done is done.

Wed, 13 Oct 2004 01:51:26 GMT

i have slowely and without recognition, over time, built up a wall...how do u keep urself from blocking people out? how do u define the complete agonizing fear of letting anyone in. not like its a huge deal...just how am i supposed to find someone if im dividing myself from evryone..

my mom once told me, when i was very little, that if you love someone you have to tell them everyday and if neccesary you have to sacrifice what you love in order to make them happy, knowing they would do the same thing for you. well i sacrificed mom, wheres your end of the deal?